Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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