I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
