I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize