I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
