im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize