I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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