WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
