I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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