I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
