if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
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