I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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