Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
