If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
