Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
