This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
