the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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