I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
