i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
