you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
