What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
