I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
