Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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