i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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