I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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