dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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