the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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