my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Randomize
