I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
