I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
