sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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