i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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