I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
