Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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