my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
