What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
