he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
