Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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