nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
