In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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