This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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