what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
