i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I think a kid would responsible me up
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
did you just send me my own nude
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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