I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
