this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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