My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
