there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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