I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
