Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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