I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
