I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
