so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
