I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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