Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I got inside last night via doggy door
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize