Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
