Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
