And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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