Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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