All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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